I want to scream
But who would hear
I want to run away
But I cant remember how I got here
Lost in my own head
I wish I could clear my mind
Rewind Time
Make up different lines
And do it all again
Make it better this time
A Stronger me
Concentrate more on my abilities
Not what I dont have
I can't get mad
B/c it was all my choice
North or South
Left or RIght
I'm too tired to fight
About something I cant change
Gotta figure out how to maintain
The future is all I have
To make of it what I want
I gotta get on point
And prove to me
My life was never meant to be
Less the average
With the typical madness
I'm built for betta things....

I'm stuck. tell me what yall think thus far ~smooches~

Fucking With a Twist

Time and time again I found myself in a position where Sasha was approaching me with a threesome or telling me to fuck someone b/c he had good dick. Now I, personally. don't get down like that. I think is nasty And I don't do sloppy seconds. Sasha would always tell me about how good or bad the men she slept with were. She even told a few to break me off or made it seem like we "ALL" were going to get down. I would laugh it off b/c I know me. The problem was I never knew if she was serious. If I would have been down for it would she have? Now its possible it could be yet another one of her head games to see if I can be trusted or to see which flavor I prefer. Several times I could swear she was making a pass at me. I wasn't looking for that. I really just wanted a cool friend no strings or sex.

I said all that to get to a this. Mike a dude I met through Sasha would always hit on me when I came over her house and he was there. Now Mike was Sasha's man friend. He is also Jamaican and I never could really understand what the fuck he was saying until I had been around him and her boyfriend for a while. So, after finally understanding a convo I found out he had a little sense. He was really aggresive, like I like. I know he dealt with some grimey shit as well. I guess that was equally a turn on. Sasha kept telling me to fuck with him and that he was working with some major weight, if you know what I mean. Mike and I have never fucked, but we messed around. Nothing to serious.

Recently Sasha told me Mike was starting to hit the Cane heavy. She said he was coming like everyday buying nice sacks. Mike is truly a smart guy, but he has gotten way off track. He was a huge weed head but he didnt fuck with this shit on the regular like he was now. The fucked up part is that Sasha is his supplier. Now Mike and her are real cool. Mike and her man were real close. The more she talks about him the more I think of how cold she really is. Its all about money to her. She doesn't give a fuck about shit but the dollar.

Oddly, Mike ended up coming over while I was there and he was jumpy and kept shaking. He couldn't sit still. When Sasha told him she didn't have any he started talking about how his friend really need some. THe second her connectecd called and said he would be on the saw. Mike instally calmed down a little bit b/c he knew it was coming. I knew the man he waws befoer and the shit was said on top of a turn off. Mike told Sshas to let him hold some omey until he got the money from the other guy. Craig has never been a broke dude lt me say. Evertime I saw him he had money.

Then some shit started running through my head. How Mike would drop Sasha cash all the time. He would just give her money when she talk about how she was struggling. I figured they were just cool. She always said he had big dick. Then a thought about earlier when she said he does so much caine his shit won't get hard. Now I see it. I am so slow I didn't see it before. The way he looked at her sometimes or the way he spoke. I remember the day Mike and I fooled around Sasha suddenly had to go some where really quick and left us alone for a while. Sasha is or has fucked Mike. . Why would someone do that. It accrued to me that the few men that she has introduced me to she has prolly fucked. Sasha has too many levels for me.



The aboveis the lasted Sasha story. Sasha seriously never fails to amaze me. I figured out so much more shit this time. I figured out people who don't play games always get played b/c they don't even think about the game. The don't even think ppl play it and that sets you up for failure. Sasha recently stop talking to me b/c she thought I stole money from her and she didn't want to ask me about it. Why would strong Sasha hesitate to question me about her money. Why just stop talking to me for no reason and give no explanation. Then after a few weeks, she finally tells me what the problem is. If you read my past post about Sasha you will understand now why I cant trust her. The problem is I really like hangin with her. Its like virtual trip through the last urban novel you read. Her life excites me. Everyone knows when you play with fire you get burned. Sasha unber estimates my listening abilites. Now, I'm playing her game and she doesn't know. I'm Out ~Smooches~

Life

I'm dissappointed in myself, b/c I am in damn near the same position I was in 2 years ago. I was so miserable this time 2 years ago b/c I knew this is not how my story was suppose to play out. I have BIG dreams and they are all in my grasp, but I seem to keep missing and falling flat on my face in front of tons of ppl. Its like a reoccuring nightmare. You'd think I could get it right finally. The same scene over and over and it keeps playingout the same no matter how many redos I get. I'm beginning to think I'm afraid to suceed, but that insane. THats all I think about, how life could be if I shoulda coulda woulda. My obseession with past failures are not allowing me to see that the future is what I make it.

I've been reading the palm reading book. It explains the lines on the hand and what they could possible mean. I know this shit is written to sound like someone perhaps, but its really interesting how much the stuff is on point. I guess I really just need to vent a little. Its funny b/c it also said that I am more likely to show my feelings instead of saying them and that I probably keep a journal to get stuff out. I admit I usually don't say how I feel b/c its easier to deal with. IT also say i'm probally a poet and really creative. Yall should check it out if u havent :)

On a lighter not did the bleeps just start on the Boonbocks or am I trippin. "Nab Oprah" was quite hilarious. Charlie Murphy and Samuel L. Jackson were funny as hell. Oh and I love how the "Blame Game" As everyone was calling it during Katrina has started again. Of course this was going to do.'
President Bush was anything less than fully involved," said White House homeland security adviser Frances Fragos Townsend.

LMAO remember when they reported Bush was still at the ranch and didnt cut his trip short for the NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

I'm out ~Smooches~