I want to scream
But who would hear
I want to run away
But I cant remember how I got here
Lost in my own head
I wish I could clear my mind
Rewind Time
Make up different lines
And do it all again
Make it better this time
A Stronger me
Concentrate more on my abilities
Not what I dont have
I can't get mad
B/c it was all my choice
North or South
Left or RIght
I'm too tired to fight
About something I cant change
Gotta figure out how to maintain
The future is all I have
To make of it what I want
I gotta get on point
And prove to me
My life was never meant to be
Less the average
With the typical madness
I'm built for betta things....

I'm stuck. tell me what yall think thus far ~smooches~

Fucking With a Twist

Time and time again I found myself in a position where Sasha was approaching me with a threesome or telling me to fuck someone b/c he had good dick. Now I, personally. don't get down like that. I think is nasty And I don't do sloppy seconds. Sasha would always tell me about how good or bad the men she slept with were. She even told a few to break me off or made it seem like we "ALL" were going to get down. I would laugh it off b/c I know me. The problem was I never knew if she was serious. If I would have been down for it would she have? Now its possible it could be yet another one of her head games to see if I can be trusted or to see which flavor I prefer. Several times I could swear she was making a pass at me. I wasn't looking for that. I really just wanted a cool friend no strings or sex.

I said all that to get to a this. Mike a dude I met through Sasha would always hit on me when I came over her house and he was there. Now Mike was Sasha's man friend. He is also Jamaican and I never could really understand what the fuck he was saying until I had been around him and her boyfriend for a while. So, after finally understanding a convo I found out he had a little sense. He was really aggresive, like I like. I know he dealt with some grimey shit as well. I guess that was equally a turn on. Sasha kept telling me to fuck with him and that he was working with some major weight, if you know what I mean. Mike and I have never fucked, but we messed around. Nothing to serious.

Recently Sasha told me Mike was starting to hit the Cane heavy. She said he was coming like everyday buying nice sacks. Mike is truly a smart guy, but he has gotten way off track. He was a huge weed head but he didnt fuck with this shit on the regular like he was now. The fucked up part is that Sasha is his supplier. Now Mike and her are real cool. Mike and her man were real close. The more she talks about him the more I think of how cold she really is. Its all about money to her. She doesn't give a fuck about shit but the dollar.

Oddly, Mike ended up coming over while I was there and he was jumpy and kept shaking. He couldn't sit still. When Sasha told him she didn't have any he started talking about how his friend really need some. THe second her connectecd called and said he would be on the saw. Mike instally calmed down a little bit b/c he knew it was coming. I knew the man he waws befoer and the shit was said on top of a turn off. Mike told Sshas to let him hold some omey until he got the money from the other guy. Craig has never been a broke dude lt me say. Evertime I saw him he had money.

Then some shit started running through my head. How Mike would drop Sasha cash all the time. He would just give her money when she talk about how she was struggling. I figured they were just cool. She always said he had big dick. Then a thought about earlier when she said he does so much caine his shit won't get hard. Now I see it. I am so slow I didn't see it before. The way he looked at her sometimes or the way he spoke. I remember the day Mike and I fooled around Sasha suddenly had to go some where really quick and left us alone for a while. Sasha is or has fucked Mike. . Why would someone do that. It accrued to me that the few men that she has introduced me to she has prolly fucked. Sasha has too many levels for me.



The aboveis the lasted Sasha story. Sasha seriously never fails to amaze me. I figured out so much more shit this time. I figured out people who don't play games always get played b/c they don't even think about the game. The don't even think ppl play it and that sets you up for failure. Sasha recently stop talking to me b/c she thought I stole money from her and she didn't want to ask me about it. Why would strong Sasha hesitate to question me about her money. Why just stop talking to me for no reason and give no explanation. Then after a few weeks, she finally tells me what the problem is. If you read my past post about Sasha you will understand now why I cant trust her. The problem is I really like hangin with her. Its like virtual trip through the last urban novel you read. Her life excites me. Everyone knows when you play with fire you get burned. Sasha unber estimates my listening abilites. Now, I'm playing her game and she doesn't know. I'm Out ~Smooches~

Life

I'm dissappointed in myself, b/c I am in damn near the same position I was in 2 years ago. I was so miserable this time 2 years ago b/c I knew this is not how my story was suppose to play out. I have BIG dreams and they are all in my grasp, but I seem to keep missing and falling flat on my face in front of tons of ppl. Its like a reoccuring nightmare. You'd think I could get it right finally. The same scene over and over and it keeps playingout the same no matter how many redos I get. I'm beginning to think I'm afraid to suceed, but that insane. THats all I think about, how life could be if I shoulda coulda woulda. My obseession with past failures are not allowing me to see that the future is what I make it.

I've been reading the palm reading book. It explains the lines on the hand and what they could possible mean. I know this shit is written to sound like someone perhaps, but its really interesting how much the stuff is on point. I guess I really just need to vent a little. Its funny b/c it also said that I am more likely to show my feelings instead of saying them and that I probably keep a journal to get stuff out. I admit I usually don't say how I feel b/c its easier to deal with. IT also say i'm probally a poet and really creative. Yall should check it out if u havent :)

On a lighter not did the bleeps just start on the Boonbocks or am I trippin. "Nab Oprah" was quite hilarious. Charlie Murphy and Samuel L. Jackson were funny as hell. Oh and I love how the "Blame Game" As everyone was calling it during Katrina has started again. Of course this was going to do.'
President Bush was anything less than fully involved," said White House homeland security adviser Frances Fragos Townsend.

LMAO remember when they reported Bush was still at the ranch and didnt cut his trip short for the NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

I'm out ~Smooches~

Game Recongize Game

Sasha was the kinda girl you learned a lot from. She was always about her paper at all cost. She was the girl eveyone underestimated. She was the girl everyone thought they could fuck over. Little did I know Sasha would teach me an important part of the game last night. I hadnt chilled with her in a while, but thats a whole other story. She told me to come through and chill with her. Sasha and I were really close until this little BS went down, so I really missed chilling with her. Watching this girl work was an art form. All I could do was sit back and watch the show.
When I walk into the house I see there are new charcter added to the story now. 2 dudes are there. 1 have met before the other is new. Eventually Sasha and I get some time alone and I ask her as always whats the story on these dudes. Sasha tells me that the one dude that I know is now living with her. She said he was boohooin about he didnt have a place to live so she let him stay. THis isn't suprising. She is truely a really nice person as long as you are down for her and coming up. She then tells me the dude is triffling and doesnt clean up. He has also been smoking her product. Then to put the icing on the cake he just told her she owes him $40 for making change for one of her customers. The problem with that is all her product is gone and all the money is right. So how does she owe him anything. This is mind blowing to me that someone would consider someone else this damn stupid. I mean it is impossible to fuck ova a drug dealer. They are about their paper, but she gives him the money anyway. She knows he is lieing through his teeth, but she still gives him the money. THe automatic question for me was WTH u do that for. She say

"I like playing the game. I wanna see how far he will let it go. Money doesnt mean shit to me. THis is entertainment."

SO I ask her whats up with the other dude.

"He is something to do. He thinks I dont know that he stole my contacts out of my bathroom. I saw this dumbass Nigga at the club with them on. I know my shit and I have bad vision, so I know he couldnt see shit."

I say "Why do you keep him around, if you know he shady?"

She says "Think about this. If the police busted my house today, Who are they most likely to believe? A girl with no serious record or this dude that just got out of jail and is on probation.

I look at her in awe. She says "Its all part of the game. Even when people think they are winning and getting over, they are not. They see me as a dumb ass and think I dont notice this shit, when everything I do is a part of a plan.
************************************************************************************

I told this story for a few reason. One Sasha is a bad bitch and this is only one story of how this girls mind works. ITs intriguing to me b/c it is something I would never tolerate. Until this point I think I never really understood Game reconginze Game b/c I dont like playing it. I never play the game b/c it seem like a waste of time or perhaps it b/c I never had the need to. I have always been able to recognize it, but I usually do the opposite of the correct way in handling it. I call you on it and weed you out of my life. Sasha on the other had recognizes it and uses it to her advantage. From now on I'm going to have a Sasha post. I really want to write a book about this chick and the shit she has been through. Her shit gives THe Coldest Winter a run for its money. THe problem is after her telling me all this I dont really trust her anymore. IT also has a lot to do with the incident and us not talking, which I will post about later. . If she plays the games with other ppl why cant she be playing them with me. The problem is street smarts only takes u so far. You know what they say "YOu cant play a playa b.c u will always get played."

Pray for America

Yesterday I was watching the Daily Show. Jon Stewart was making fun of Bush as usual. I began to think of what other countries must think of our President. I personally think he is a fuckin idiot. I mean have you heard him talk. He was answering question at a college in NC I believe. This chick asked him why was there an education fund cut. He tried to act like he didn't hear her and then He didn't even know what the hell she was talking about. This is the man that makes major decisions for our country. Its sad that he doesn't know or his advisor don't at least cover the basis before an interview. His dumb ass was talking bout mountain biking and such. WTF, If I go and hear the president speak he better talk about more then his fucking hobbies. Now the state he was in is of course Republican, so they kept singing his praises. The funny part was in the background you heard some country bumpkin hick say "You did good Mr. President." What exactly has he done good these last few years in office.

Oh I must add to my last post. MY sister always says the phrase "Niggas and Flies". I never really understood what it meant until the trifling ass Nigga stole my phone.

Oh and why do ppl say " It could be worst" WTF, IT could be a whole lot fucking betta too. I hate the whole optimistic glass is half full shit. ~smooches~

I HATE NIGGAS (Yeah I Said IT)

I am soooooooooooooooooooo pissed off right now. You want to know why? TRiffling ass broke NIGGAS. Well, one in particular who I was trying to help out. This sorry Bastid stole my NEW cell phone from work after I let his TRiffling ass use our phone. I mean I dont understand. Why must black people contiune to bring each other down. If he only knew all the shit I'm going through right now and this shit does not make it better. If any of who have not seen the Martin Luther King Jr. speech on the Boondocks, you should really TIvo it. IT was damn near the best speech I'ver heard sine I have a Dream. YOu know they really need to be called out. FRom now on when ppl are acting Nigerish I'm gonna str8 call it like I see it. This shit has to stop. I'm so pissed right now, I dont even remember the funny shit I was gonna right. More lata ppl. ~Smooches~

Poetry Corner

If you didnt know, I write spoken word. I'm too big of a scarey cat to preform it. Check me out and let me know what you think ~Smooches~ Oh and there is a regular post below :)~


Your love is blinding
Only allowing me to see you
Your aura is consuming
Oh How you take over me
And make me feel safe
I'm at peace with this
Our union
The most beautiful thing I know
It must be heaven sent
Oh how I miss ya scent
Intoxicating
The words don't come out right
I'm tipsy from your love
I'm under your spell
You are the truth
Never leading me astray
Your love shines down on me
Like sun rays
YOu help me grow
YOu are my ray of hope
THat true love still exist
And it lives in our love
You give me joy
That cannot be measured
Baby, If you dont inhale
I can't exhale
You breath life into me
You and I I were pre-determined
Written in the Stars
For others to gaze upon in awe
How is it possible to be
So into you
But never stop being me
You are my destiny

"I Said It Before I Neva Fuck Hoe Without Head No More" (Get Thowed Bun B)

I was looking through my journals from the last 2 years and I discovered something. I have changed. I am so amazed that the person writing was me. The shit I put up with was like "wow". I'm so happy b/c I LOVE ME. That is a little new. I talk a good game and that's b/c a true warrior never shows fear.
SO, I'm loving the response to my return. I really really appreciate the love ppl. Thank You. Its nice to have feedback on ya life sometime.

I was at the Sprint store today (I got a new phone for free :). thank the lawd for boobs lol) and this women ask me if I was from New Orleans. First let me say up to this point we were having a great convo. We were discussing how much Sprint truly sux and the hopes of now that they have merged, it would get better customer service. Then after this enlightening convo she asks me this nonsense. I mean don't get me wrong I wasn't offended. I was more stunned that she would confuse me. Now this may sound rude, but seriously I have heard them talk. Its really easy to tell usually. ( PLZ PPL OF NEW ORLEANS DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE TO MY NEXT STORY> THIS IS ONLy COMIC RELIEF THO EVERY THING I SAW DID TRULY HAPPEN)

I made the mistake of giving one of our new VISITORS my #. He seemed ok and he was talking about partaking (HEHE) so I was cool. Tell me why this dude called me like 25 times that night. He would call and say the same shit ova and ova. And hands to the heaven he was the slowest.
I would tell him something like "I don't know what time I can come. Let me call you back in about an hour." Is that hard to understand? His response "Ok, you know I really wanna see you, What time you wanna meet?" (After 3 times of this I stop and look at the phone. I scream into it "Can you fucking hear me?" He is like "Yeah lil mama I can hear you." So I say "Well, can you fucking understand what I'm saying?" He's like "Yeah mama I understand. What time you wanna meet?" I hang up the phone. I have a short patience for stupidity on simple shit. Ray Nagin Please Repair Chocolate City" ~Smooches~

P.S Really feeling Bun B Please support. Oh and thats my favorite verse ") A Girl has gotta get her's ;)

Happy BLACK PPL DAY!!!!!

It dawned upon me today that I may be single because my tolerance for punk ass behavior is very low. I am not attracted to a dude who do not know how to take charge. I can tell a weak man from a mile away. I can tell when I can play with your head or catch your attention. Its pathetic. Get some fucking balls or Please do not approach me. I need a shirt that says CONFIDENT FAT BITCH. Losers need not apply. The world is not ready for me and neither are most Houston men.


OR shall I sat Hou-Orleans men. Man the crime rate in Houston has risen so fast it giving law enforcemnet a swimming in the head. We are short on cops and gang violents have seemed to increase. I swear to you I went out the other Night to a club that is usually very nice. Little did I know it was New Orleans Night. Have you ever heard the shit they play in the club? ITs like TEchno-RAp. They mix any song you can possibley think of with the same ass shaking beat. THe DJ was literaly sayin "who got they FEMA Check." And the crowd whent wild.

P.S. My mom told me she had to work today b/c its a 2 blk person limit that gets off on MLK. It's an optional holiday. That is so rude. Oh and BOONDOCKS R THE SHIT :)
~smooches~

Ghetto Not so Fab

This feels so foriegn. ITs like hwere do you began. So much hilarious shit has happen to me since my last post I just dont know where to begin. I have really missed comign here to vent and getting feed back. Someone one left me a message the other day saying they loved my blog and I was like wow I havent been there in 4eva. Anyways I've been hustling for the '06. Meaning working my ass off. Got 2 jobs after working at the MOST GHETTO FUCKING PLACE ALIVE. I wish I could call they ass out. SO I was working at the GHETTO ASS answering service over the holidays to get gifts. I soon saw after being there a few days it was not a company to grow with. Ok SENARIO I'm sittin at my at my cubicle answering calls when I hear my supervisor screaming very loudley.

Supervisor = 5'9 black ass women with no hair and ashy feet. "Whoever pissed on the toliet seat is a nasty. You may do it at home but dont bring that nasty shit here." Other Supervisor = 5'10 black man with golds and an extra big booty. SO the Other Supervisor says "Yeah dont bring that nasty shit here, That must mean you aint even wiping you ass."

At this point my mouth is hitting the floor. I cannot believe these ppl would do something like this in the middle of our little rush hour. Everyone (30-35 ppl) are on the phone and ppl can here this. Second inceident freaked me out, but everytime I tell someone I can't stop laughing.

Ok, the Other Supervisor (5'10 blk man with golds and an extra big booty) comes up to me and this other girl and says "Have you seen that new saddle?" I'm thinking what the fuck ishe talking about so I say "What saddle, for a horse?" He says "No, Its like a saddle for someone to ride your face in bed. They have them at the shop down the street." I just bust out laugh. THis man keeps a str8 face and is like "I'm serious."

This was by far the strangest job I have ever worked at in my entire life. I met the most ghetto ppl. I was wondering where these ppl would seek employment and I found it. The worst. Other wise I've been chillin. All I got for ya folks ~1~

SFC is Back

Seriously, I have really wanted to write on here, but I feel like I have nothing to say. Good News I found a JOB. Really good news for all my friends and family b/c a sista was broke. I've been so busy lately. Nor just from work, but I think I gotta LIFE. Its been awhile, lol. I've been hanging with some new ppl which is cool. I 'm also learning that I'm not missing much. The best advice I could ever give someone is to NOT MOVE TO HOUSTON. I thought is was boring b4 but now its just turning ghetto. I contribute it to our new VISTORS although they seem to think this is LA and there is no going back. On a daily basis I see shit that is uncalled for. From clothes to outta control ass behavior. I'm about to get my ass up outta her b4 the drive by starts. I was getting my nails done yesterday and this heffa was trippin. First let me explain that Nextel/Sprint went and lost their mind and every New Orleans person I see has a damn cell phone with the walky talkly. How do I know they got walky talky b/c they are everywhere with that shit on full volume no matter where they are. Odviously this must be new to them b/c they do not know how to use the shit in the appropriate manner. This heffa is in the nail shop with her shit on speaker phone loud as hell paying her Sprint bill b/c her phone got cut off for non payment. YOu must be asking how do I know this. B/c this heffa let the whole shop hear how much she owes, for how long and how much she gonna pay b/c the whole things is on speaker phone. How does your bill get to $300 dollars? Also why did she only pay $100 but was gettin 3 of here friends nails and toes did. This is a prime example of how fast the money given by America is dwindling on Bullshit. NO one seems to have their priorites in order. Houston is becomiing Houston ppl vs. NO ppl in everything. I dont even listen to the radio anymore. All you hear is that GOD AWFUL Laffy Taffy song. I want to shoot myself everytime I here that shit. Oh and they wont let it die, now they play the remix. OK OK OK I'm calm and I'm done ranting about this Lousinana bullshit. Last word is BUSH get ya shit together and get they shit back running PLEASE.
************************************************************************************
I have also noticed lately that men have lost their mind and I now know why I dont get laid on the regular. Now just to let you know this may get a bit deep and should not be read by audience under 18 aight. Ok so me and a friend went out with these 2 dudes. 1 of the dudes is her firend who has tryed to holla at me b4. They were about 5 dollas from being scrubs, but they were her homeboys. So we are chilling having drinks and they soon make it very clear they trying to get some ass. I dunno if its just a Houston thing but men her have no GAME or cant seem to articulate a better way of asking for ass except stupid shit like "can i smash"/"I need a playa patna" (which means a fuck buddy)/ Lets go to a room (which usualy means hourly WTF). The point is that shit dont fly with me. I'm trying to get mine like you trying to get yours, so i'm not settling for no BS. So after I get this info my name is giggles for they rest of the night b/c all I can do is laugh at this dude. He is not use to a female like me and he has underestimated my mouth piece. So we leave the place we are drinking and they take us to get some food. I have by then made it very clear that my girl can do whatever she want, but I not for it. Dont get me wrong the dude is cute, he seem like he working with something, and it had been a while so I would have been down(excluding the hourly motel ewww), but he said some stupid shit to me. The worst thing you can ever say to me is. I need some head, but I dont give it. ITs like a loud brake screech in my head and I look at this dude and laugh. I was like I dont have sex unlessI get full service. This dude is looking at me shocked like he has never heard a women say what she wanted before. The whole time we eating he trying to covince me why I dont need a 100% attention just like he do. Everytime he talks it so wack I laugh. This seems to annoy him which makes me giggle even more. He tells my friend i'm hullin him, which means I'm treating him like some punk ass dude b/c I want some tounge service. WTF. So that night ended with him going home alone, but that has not stopped him from still trying. Its like dude that wasnt just that night. You will not catch me slippin on that requirement. The funny part is I now now that PUSSY really does run the world. I can see in his eyes he wanna give in and eventually he will. Moral is dont settle for anything hold out for the best baby. What one wont do another will trust me I KNOW. SFC ~Smooches~

Dang! Its been awhile,but I just haven't had the urge to write. I'm lost. Its like I'm in a maze and I know the right way b/c I've been here b4 but I cant bring myself to get out. I'm so comfortable in my rut of counter productive behavior I don't know anything else. I am so off track and it would be so easy to get back on. MY problem is that I am too inpatient. I want things to change over night when I know it not an option. I also procrastinate like no other. I always put off the important things though. The things I need I find away to convince myself they can wait. In the end I'm full of regret. I know the life I see for myself is way more than what I'm living right now. ***************************************************************************************
So on a lighter note. I've been good meeting new ppl and some old ppl that r just new to me now. I stared talking to this chick I went to high school with. Now in high school we were cool b/c we had gym together, but that about it. She was into not doing work or even coming to school most of the time among other things. I was on my grind trying to do well. We hung out the other day and it was weird b/c she is so opposite of anyone I would hang out with b/c of the shady/ criminal things she does. I think I could write a book about this chick tho. IT might be better the the Coldest Winter Ever. Her life is like a ghetto novel for sure. She is so smart when it comes to hustling and getting over one someone. She tries to convince me of how easy it is.but that is not my style. I'm book smart. I can tell you how to improve your profit from you schemes, but I cant personally get involved. I may not be on tract right no,b UT I got shit to do with my life and it don't include JAIL. I admire a lot about her tho. One of the best days I had in awhile. Its good to see the other life sometimes . ***********************************************************************************
LAtely I feel like ppl have been making little comments I don't really like. I know yall remember the chick I had to read a a while back. Well now her and my friend have started talking again which is so cool. YOU choose the company you keep not ME. Anyway little comments have been made like. From one friend " I have learned (since the incident) that you cant mix friends". WTF does that mean. Then another friend said "well you said some things that were not at the appropriate time and that was wrong but you should just let it go and be friends again" WTF is it just me or r they saying in a nice way that what I did was wrong and they can bring no one around me. I mean I could understand if I talked that crazy to ppl on the regular, but this is the 1st time and the BITCH deserved it. Then I had a party last week and one of my friend (who was planning it with me) invited her. Oddly I didn't have a problem with this. I can be civil. I had been civil the whole time with her. What really pissed me off is my friend telling ppl that I was sorry for what I said. Just so everyone can understand "I AM NOT SORRY FOR CALLING HER ON HER BULLSHIT AND NEVER IN LIFE WILL I APOLOGIZE." maybe its just me. but I'm sure I will her about this later from someone. Anyways that's all my ranting for now. ~smooches~ SFC

America's Next Fat Model lol

I haven't had much to say lately. Things have been going well. Went out on Sat. Had a great time. THe music sucked though. The DJ was from New Orleans. They are wayyyyyyyyyyyy behind Houston seems like. Its so weird here now b/c u can tell who is not from here. THey dress different. Its like a different standard of black folk. Like Houston chicks will leave the house with their hair uncombed,but N.O ppl leave the house with rags on their head (SMH at both). I am also annoyed that the other day I see this chick walking down the street with her little baby in this raggedy ass stroller no shoes or socks on, but she had a Vuton backpack on WTF. This is leading me to believe in the coming months when ppl stop giving and there is no more aid for them Houston is going to turn into the N.O. Meaning all the crime and shit is going to sprout here. I mean they are even more desperate now. I understand now why ppl dont want to help. I saw on another blog where this chick was saying the goverment should make restricitions on what they get to do with the money given. I thought it was wrong at first but it makes since now. I mean consider if you came form nothing. Like you before Katrina was poverty. NOw you gettin all this aid. What you gonna do with it. Buy everything you ever WANTED not what you NEED. Their are a few ppl staying at my mom's church. Keep in mind everything they get is free, but now they are complaining about the food and other things. Me personally would be glad someone is helping me period after this. Anyways I dont think ppl realized how much it would effect our city. **********************************************
Back to the club. I had so much fun laughing at all the fashion disasters. ITs like ppl have no true friends or HORRIBLE taste.THIS IS A PUBILC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL WOMEN ( NOT JUST THE FAT CHICKS B/C U SKINNY ONES BE LACKING TOO) EVERYTHING IS NOT MADE FOR YOU. I think women feel just b/c they skinny they can wear anything. Let me be honest with you. You look the FOOL. I'm not saying i'm the best dresser, but I am saying I know what looks good and flatters me and thats what I wear. *************************SO here is an update on my last post. The girl called my close friend and told him she didint want to be his friend anymore. WTF I dont know what to say about that. I guess some bitches never learn. ***********************************Put a few pic of me playing with me cam phone. I think I am slowly becoming conceided. I guess its better then being the sterotypical fat girl. I love me and I dont give a fuck who dont. ~Smooches~

Read You Like A Book

*************************************WARNING****************************************
This post will show a side of me most ppl dont get to see


So, this is going to be a long post b/c I have to start at the beginning for you to understand. One of my closest friends has this friend he hangs out with. When I met her I didn’t really like her, but I am far from rude. She is his friend so I would not come at her like that b/c I respect him. SO I tolerated her. I tolerated her smart-ass comments. I tolerated her quick jabs at my confidence. She basically is one of those chicks that hate to see another confident person. She always wants to be the center of attention. The fact that I am a big girl and she didn’t intimidate me pissed her off I think. Don’t get me wrong she is tall and cute. I am not a hater. I will give her that. She would say little things every time I saw her. They were insults, but not for the slow minded. I guess she thought I didn’t catch it, but I did. Again I let is go b/c She is His friend and b/c I'm better than that. It’s not my fault u r not comfortable with you. I have never changed me for anyone. She is the classic skinny bitch Mo'nique talks about. Anyway a few weeks ago Bobby (the close friend) tells me he wants to have a surprise party for her. I automatically get a bad feeling. This girl is really ungrateful on a normal day and I personally didn’t think she deserved it. But again I'm not rude, so I agreed. SO we plan all the shit. One of my friends spent like 40 dollars on food and decorations. Then Bobby spent money on some other stuff for her. IT was wayyyyyyyyyyyy nicer than any shit I would have done. SO When I got there I relaxed. IT was a really nice set up. I would have been so happy that someone did all this for me. SO even though I didn’t think she deserved one I was going to try to make this nice for her b/c THAT THE PERSON I AM. So she finally get there and we yell surprise. She screams and turns around. We are all waiting for her to come in. She doesn’t. So I go outside and she is sitting on the step. I ask her what’s the problem and why she not coming in. She all like I need a minute and she gets on her cell phone, but this bitch has the nerve to ask me where is her drink. I don’t trip I walk back in the house and from that moment decide it is best if I don’t speak to her or I might ruin the party even more. I can only hold my tongue about shit for so long and being intoxicated does not help. Like 15 minutes later she comes in. She asks, “were is my drink”. She doesn’t hug anyone or say thank you. Bobby tells her to go say hi to the guest. She's like what guest. I was like OMG this is not going to be good. IT was like 7 ppl there. You must understand though that we have a close group of friends. It’s not very big. She knows this b/c she is forever inviting herself to something. It’s always the core ppl and then we meet new ppl so we add and remove as needed. All the main ppl were there. Beside that Bobby advertised this party and theses are the ppl that decided to show. Which shows you how much ppl care about her at least her supposed true friend b/c they didn’t show. Anyway Bobby’s like could you just go and say hi to the ppl that r here they came for you. SO then she asked again where is her drink. Bobby pulls out a bottle of Boone. She was like all I get is this cheap shit. OMG I'm still trippin that this chick is sooooooooooooo fucking rude to someone that is really close to me. I can tell this shit is hurting his feelings and making him wish he never did it. SO then she goes and opens the fridge and sees her little weed brownies we made for her. This annoys Bobby even further and he tells her to sit down. SO by this time I'm like lets get this shit over with. SO I start to put candles on it and such. She is sitting with her boyfriend telling him how she doesn’t like this party. She says this loud enough for me to hear. I don’t know if anyone else caught it. Pretty much she was frontin in front of her man like we were her second rate friends. Pretty much like she was embarrassed of us. But she is the first one inviting herself to ppls get together or their house. Anyway So I light the candle and take her the brownies. She blows them out. After she counts to make sure it was 21 candles. Then she was like I get the first piece and I need a plate to take some home. Now at this point I am sooooooooooo pissed and annoyed its silly, but I keep my cool fix her a piece to take home and then I start handing out the rest. After this I go in the other room b/c if I had to continue to listen it would not be cool. So she stays in the dinning room with her man for almost the entire time she is there, while the rest of the ppl r in the living room. So she finally comes in there only b/c we r smoking and she want some. So she gets a few hit and then she's like I gotta go. She gives everyone a fake hug and her and her man leave. I counted to 5 and made my announcement. BTW I, at this point, have consumed a whole bottle of champagne, weed brownies and I smoked. I was gone beyond belief. Everyone that truly knows me knows I do not bite my tongue often. The only reason why I did not call her out is b/c SHE is HIS friend and I respect him and it was her little party so I didn’t want to ruin what she had already done. I stress this so ppl will understand why I took so much shit from her b/c he seemed like he really liked her. SO after she left I said and I quote " I DONT LIKE THAT BITCH. YOU CAN BRING HER AROUND BUT FROM THIS POINT I DONT LIKE HER. I'M DONE WITH HER." Someone must have asked what happen. I was so mad as I was telling them I didn’t notice that she had walked back into the house. She must have been waiting on the stairs to see if we said anything b/c she came back in. By the time I see her my mouth will not stop and I'm like fuck it she shouldn’t have came back. I was trying to be nice and spare her feelings. So she asks Bobby was she ungrateful and rude. He says yes. She's like why didn’t u tell me that. And he says it wasn’t the place, I was going to talk to you about it later. Now I’m really mad b/c not only was she rude and ungrateful she came back in like she was the shit and made a scene and embarrassed him more. SO she ask me how I felt. I swear on everything I told this girl not to ask me that and to leave. She said NO tell me how u feel. What she do that for yall? TO tell you the truth I don’t remember what I said word for word, but the only word that can describe what I did was READ her. Yes it a str8 gay term, but I didn’t really cuss her out. I told her how the fuck she was rude and that I didn’t like it. In the word of my mom I did it in a Nicesty way. I was nasty in a nice way. At the end of my spill I was like just get the fuck out. She turned around and left. She didn’t say a word that I can remember. The room was quiet. When I get really mad I cry. I felt so exhausted. Like all the shit I ever wanted to call her on just flew out. I had not noticed that I had become passive aggressive with her b/c I didn’t want bad feeling between my friend and me. I think I scared the shit out of some ppl. I don’t want ppl to think I am a bitch, but when it comes to ppl I love I get more mad then when its me. I can handle her rudeness, but it is impossible for me to see my friends hurt. I apologized to everyone b/c I have not gone off on someone like this for a while. When I’m pissed, I don’t care about ur feelings or what I say. I'm mad at myself for holding my tongue for so long though. I knew something bad was going to happen when he asked about this party. She is the most ungrateful self-centered bitch I ever met. I don’t see how ppl walk through life thinking their shit don’t stink. Now it’s a new day and I don’t know how my actions will play in the light. I feel bad, but not for reading her. I feel bad that I did it to his friend and I know now that I will never be able to be around her if him and her remain friends. I hope I don’t live to regret my bluntness. I truly believe she needs it though. She is very selfish and that is the root of most of her problems. This wasn’t the end of my night, but I'm kinda drained from writing this. Moral of this story is never assume someone is intimidated or even rattled by ur presence. Never be so fucking ungrateful to ppl that care for you. Oh and never underestimate a FAT CHICK ~smooches~!

Just Thinking

I just wanted to thank all the ppl that visit my site. Feed back on ya life is nice sometimes. I was thinking today of what I really want our of a mate. I dont fee like I'm that picky really. I recently met someone that is not really my usual type, but I'm attracted to the person. The personality seems nice and the person is intelligent (thats a must). I hate when ppl say they dont have a type. Everyone has a type. I mean if there is no physical attraction then whats the point. Why would I want to be with someone who doesnt find me sexy. I mean mutal attraction is a must. I was talking to someone the other day and they were saying how they had sexy with this chick and they couldnt get into it. There were no odvious reasons like odor or inexperience. They just really hated the sex. I told them it was b/c there was no attraction. I mean yes, u can have sex with someone u r not attracted to, but the orgasim is not the same. I know this from experience. They could be doing eveything right, but you are just not feeling the person. I personally dont want anyone that does not think I am the most beautiful person in the world and vice versa. ******I'm begining to think I push ppl away. I dont know if I just feel like the relationship is going to result in bs and end it to save myself the trouble or if Iam so afraid of letting anyone in I just push everyone away. I want to be in a happy committed realtionship. I HATE BEING SINGLE. I also refuse to settle for b/s when I know I can do better. I feel like I am the only person in the world who has not had an long term relationship. I guess things happen when were ready. ~smooches~

Stalkerish

Ok, so I wasn't going to write about this at first, but the person took it too far. So I've been talking to this person. The convo was ok, but I knew there was something strange. I always give ppl the benefit of the doubt b4 forming a opinion. SO as we gradely talk this person began to tell me they love me. I know I dont. I do not take those words litely. Then I notice they call me alot. I mean like 10 times a day or more. Maybe I was giving off the wrong impression. At least that is what my friend said. I on the other hand thought I was making myself very clear about taking it slow and not rushing. WEll yesterday this person called me like all day. I would tell them "oh, I'm being rude to my friends I will call u back later which I was. Like 30 min later they would call me back even tho I said I was busy. SO then I stop answering. I cant take someone somthering me. I need my space and I dont like talking on the phone all damn day. This person called me about 15 times in a 4 hour span. Not only that they called me from unknown and had a friend I dont really know call me as well. With them on three way, but they thought I was BRAND NEW and did not know. This was also after I called back after the first 8 missed calls and said stop calling me so much. I am busy and I will call u back. I mean I dont understand. If you know someone is busy and not answering WHY would you keep calling me. THis leads me to believe everyone on the internet is KooKoo for COCO Puffs. THe biggest thing is I have nerver met this person. WE are in that talking stage. Me deciding if they are worth meeting and not crazy. Well I guess I know the truth now. I mean the person seemed like someone I could at least be friends with. Now its a different story. ****I also have noticed that ppl need to stop getting high/drunk b/c they tend to tell others buisiness. These newbies can not handle it man. I am so calm and cool when I am intoxicated. Others run off at the mouth and start telling me shit I didint know. Of course (winks) I will never admit I know or bring it up, but its weird the things ppl dont wont u to know. LOL but they felt confortable telling the person that just told their dirt. O well I guess we all trust in certain ppl for differnt reasons. I can only think of one secret I told. I use to regret it, but now i'm happy I did for many reason. I think it was for the best and it will help more than it will hurt in the long run. *****So my "I Survived Rita" party is yet to take form b/c all but 2 of my friends left( ha ha losers). That's all folks ~smooches~

Imma Survivor (Ha Ha RIta U Missed)

I made it lol. Well Rita took a turn and pretty much missed us. We got a little rain and some crazy wind but we aight. Our power is not off either odviously, so we came out very blessed. The new problem with our area is getting ppl back in. I mean everything is closed and there is no gas. Houston is almost like a ghost town. Their advising us not to leave our house wvwn tho the storm has passed. MY question is why would you leave ur house unless u going down the street. I mean EVERYTHING is closed. I think I may die of bordom or kill my cousins b4 we are released. Upside is no school or work untill most likely Wendsday. There is about to be some horrible traffic again with all the ppl coming back in. I pray someone sends us some gas or we are shit outta luck. I think I'm going to have a I Survived Rita Party with some Margaritas lol. I need a drink after all the work we did to secure my sissy's house. I need to smoke lol. I can't wait to buy a fat 20 sac lol ~SMooches~

Writers Block

When I get in a mood I dont wanna talk or type. I been in that modd for a minute as u can see. So life hasne been so bad since the last time I wrote. Still job searching, but I did get unemployment for my last stupid job. I'm home alone. My sister and fam is in Maine whale atching and such, while I am perparing for another Katrina named Rita. Ppl are not takeing this very seriously. I pray this will not be as bad and I wont be floating to saftey with my family. This is too weird tho. I mean is it a Coincident that most of the N.O ppl came to Houston and now we are getting hit with it. Someone or thing is trying to tell us something. I'm not going to mention my theory b/c ppl keep freaking out when I do.
*********************************************************************************So my sister left on Saturday. I've had 2 parties thus far. This storm is messing up my weekend. Anyway they were nice get together. I've noticed that I am an extra generous person b/c I like to see ppl have a good time. I see these ppl as my friends and thats what real friends to right. The second pary was great b/c there was no dry ppltheir like the one b4. I dont understand ppl that come to parties that really dont drink or smoke when u know that is whats going to happen. YOu make everyone is the room annoyed. STAY AT HOME. The second party was great until a "friend" who I now realixe after 5 years of putting up with shit, that he is not down for me. He does shit ll the time and expects ppl to deal with it even after you have told him how you feel about it. Its like him repeatedly saying Fuck YOu or spitting on your face. he shows up to my house yet again with a thief and a hoe. I mean I dont really talk to these ppl he brought to my house and on top of that he didnt tell me he was bringing them. He is so fraud in so many was. The worst part is I have told him a million times about bringing ppl not only to my house but other friends house without letting them know. I mean we have a close group of friends that hang out. We all know how each other is and we accept that. The ppl he insist on bring is really out of place. I was so mad. I almost let is ruin my night until I made the decision. I'm done with him. He has no respect,shit I dont think he even cares for anyone but himself. ITs all about what he can get from you or someone else. Its real sad b/c everyone is like that is how he is. WTF why should you let someone be like that to you. I know exactly why I have been dealing with is for the last year b/c I feel obligated and responsible for a grown ass man's actions. Now I'm done. I cant call this person my friend. Sadly I dont thnk he will ever change. He doesnt know it yet but he has lost me. The only person that is always there for him. I'm done with BS friendships that are a one way waste of time. ~smooches~

Bend Dont Break

So on THursday I got fired from my job b/c business is slow and I was unwilling to do the inaccurate telemarketing they wanted. I kinda of figured this would happen. I havent really told anyone. Everyone knows how I am when I am unemployed. I got into block out mod. I stop calling ppl and do me. I dont wanna go out, b/c I aint got the paper for that. I am so strong willed and independent. I'm just ugh with everyone right now. Ppls tru colors are showing and I'm beginning to wonder why I try. SO, the only way any of them will know is if they read my blog. Which I am noticing ppl are then calling me asking me shit I know I didnt tell them. I'm just tired of being the one putting in all the effort or not feeling supported when I need it. I am always there when ppl need me b/c that is the kind of person I am. I listen give advice and do what I can when you need me. Ppl dont do that shit to often with me. I feel like there is never anyone here to truely lean on in CONFIDENCE. Not depressed yet. I cant be without a job tho. That shit is too boring for me. I will go crazy. Pray for me and all our new residents/ refugees.
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On a lighter note, A friend and I went out on Friday. I really didnt want to go, but she seems to be able to guilt me or what have u into doing shit I dont want to b/c I feel bad. So we went to this club. Which sucked so I wanted to leave after the 1st drink. So we left and went to this after spot that wasnt hype yet b/c it was too early. So I was like just take me home. Of course I can never get what I ask. Her response is no, I dont want to go home yet. I mean I dont understand some women. You so happy with your good man ( who is really trif), but you wanna go out and find some dick on the side. Why? Get rid of the bullshit you already got in ya life b4 u go get some more. And I swear I am sick of women one minute talking about how horrible they man is and when I tell you the truth like you ask me too and you start defending him. DO me a fucking favor. Dont tell me shit. I dont want to know. You not gonna leave so keep the shit to yaself. Then these women are the main ones to tell you why you aint got a (triffling) man like theirs. NEWS FLASH I dont want a man like urs. I would rather be by my damn self. Anyway, She begs me for like 30 minutes to go into this place that I knew was damn near empty and I wouldnt like. I wasted $5 and I didnt like the shit. So we left like an hour later. As we walk to the car a dude in the car beside us ask her what is my name. She tells him and he's like tell her to come here. So I was like you tell him to come here. I almost lost my mine when she tells me. He like big girls you betta go to him. LMMFAO. Its really sad b/c she is a big gurl too. I mean just b/c a dude finds me attractive doesnt mean I have to talk to him or fall over trying to get to him. Like I should be glad he wants me. WTF. Slowness. Anyway the dude came over. Seemed nice. Exchanged Numbers and that was it. Then she tells me. You so uppity. Please ppl tell me if I was wrong. I mean if its really that important and you want to talk to me because You are attracted to me shouldnt you make the effort and vice versa. Am I wrong. I mean he didnt seem to have a problem with it. Whateva. My sister says I'm way to tolerant of this friend and perhaps I should kick her to the curb. I'm just not like that. I try to see the good in ppl when the shit aint there. ~Smooches~

Prayer

I am a native houstonian and most of the victims of Katrina are coming here to live until things are back to normal in LA. Its so sad seeing these ppl bused in with nothing but the clothes on there back. I was listening to the radio and Shelia Jackson Lee was talking about how we all need to help, mostly the black community b/c these are mostly our ppl. SHe also said that these victims will ot be here just for a month. The clean up is going to tak MONTHS maybe the rest of the year. Big up to Houston b/c we are stepping up and helping out. I encourage everyone too. I mean all the kids that are here have nothing and they have to go to school here for the next few months. Theses ppl have no where to stay. They are currently thousands in our Astrodome. I can only pray for the ppl that are still there stuck or didint make it through. The worst thing is hearing BUsh sorry ass on tv talking sbout how gas prices could rise again b/c of this and how he is doing all in his power to keep it from happening. Yea fucking right U know whats about to happen right. All this miltary ppl going to New orleans have the same rights as police oficers. People are about to die. Gas is about to rise. Things are about to change. NOw bush is allowing foriegn ships to bring gas to America. OMG r u that stupid. It is the perfect time to attck us. WE are wounded and now he's just gonna let them in. Pray ppl. PEACE ~Smooches~