I went to a poetry show tonight. I started thinking about how much I use to be into spoken word. Then I started thinking about a poem I couldn't remember apart to, which led me back to my old home this blog. I begin reading some old post. I see so much growth, so many lessons learned the hard way. I miss an outlet. I have started at least 3 new blogs, but I feel so connected to this one. I have lost all my little following, but this blog has my life for several years, I poured my heart out to it. How could I just leave it. Life kept me busy, but now I am finally at a place in my life where I have time to write and I have so much on my mind. I want to come back home, but it feels so weird. I guess you never know what could happen until you try. I think its time to try. I need to get back to the things I use to love. I need to get back to me.
SFC
this blog use to be my life. I would blog faithfully, but life has changed and things are super busy. Although, things have changed I think it is important to get back to what you are use to. I have so much shit to say and not enough intelligent people to listen to it. So, why not share my enlightment with the world lol.
I started a new blog and started writing on it, but there is really no place like home. I thought this blog had too much history, but is really just has all my growth. This blog shows me going from a unsettled woman in search of her sexuality. In search of acceptance, to who I am now. I am secure in how I am and what I am. I am learning that others opinions of me don't matter. The only thing that matters I that I am happy with my life and I can look back with no regrets. I am older but I still feel young, like I have so much to learn and that excites me and disappoints me. I feel like I've been through so much already, what could be next. I know without a doubt my path will be great and I will achieve all I ever dreamed...in time.
So, lets recap the growth. I am a lesbian, I have gained my independence, I am walking the path to my success, I am motivated and ready for greatness. I am single and hating it, I finally came out to my mother, one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have loved a few women and at the end I wondered why, but I am finally starting to see the lesson. I am learning that everything isn't meant to be compromised.
I just turned 26 and my life was consumed with school and work and my small social life. Now I am on summer break, laid off, and wonder what they hell am I suppose to do with myself. I am bored beyond belief. There are no distractions. I truly have me time and it scares the shit out of me. I feel all the emotions I don't have time to feel when my life is in full force. I feel lonely, bored, depressed, happy, excited, and insane all at the same time.
I have to figure out how to be happy alone with no distractions. I finally have to do some soul searching in myself and I don't want to. Or maybe I simply don't know how to start. All of this has happened for a reason I believe is for me to figure out some shit.
Follow me on my journey...
~Smooches~
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANNOYED. Explain this to me why the fuck does my opinion matter so much. I figured out a long time ago if u worry about what everyone else think you are bound to feel like a failure. I know I can be a bitch or just rude sometimes but if you know me u know its all love. If I do sometihng you dont like thats fine I will try to remember that, but I can only be ME. So, if it happens again let that shit go cause I have already told you how it is. Then to make it seem like I always do it or I do it on purpose pisses me off. I am so tired of ppl not understanding me and wantin these changes. Well fuck that I dont want to change if you can't handle the person I am then dont FUCK with me. I Am like so beyond stressed right now. Its amazing how things can be going so right but still have you damn near going crazy. My life is moving in the direction I want but other thing are poppin of as my progress is happenin that is really stressin me. It amazes me how ppl can justify there behavior with what there going through, but cant understand yours can be based on the same thing. I'm not sayin its right but thats how it is. I am a good person I dont try to hurt people and when ppl make it seem like thats what i'm doin it annoys me especially someone I'm really down for whenever they need me. If I can accept you for your flaws accept me for mine.
I'm so tired of BS and how did my life get filled with so much drama. I am forever Yellin "DRAMA-FREE" then outta no where is all around me. I just want one day of not giving a shit about anything but of course that will never happen. I have so many feelings that I keep inside to please or make it ok for others and it always blows up in my face. When I finally say how I feel its like me just playin tit for tat with something they did when its really how I feel and I am at the point if you dont give a FUCK neither do I.
It amazes me how my mind set has changed from a year ago. Shit I wanted back then is stuff I absolute despise now. I dont want it anymore. I cant even figure out why I did it too much fuckin trouble. I just want any easy going life with stress that I create not from others. I wanna be understood and I dont feel like I am. I think its time to get on the FUCK THE WORLD tip and keep doin what I'm doing.
AHHHHHHHHHH! I feel better now. I thought I was gonna have to smoke a Cig for a minute this shit had me vexed. Wow I am cussing quite alot but thats how its coming out of my head. Anyway Thats all for now. Now that I have a laptop I need to start bloggin more. This is really helps lol. ~Smooches~
Well GOOD MORNING BLOGGER,
Yeah Yeah its been a long while. Its been lots up ups and a lot of downs but I made it and well on my way back to the top. IT feels foreign being here. Like a baby I have abandon and now tryin to reconnect. My head has been spinning with things I want to say, but I couldn't write yet. Now I guess I have the urge. Where do you start when everything has changed? I am a year older, but feel 10 years wiser. Its amazing when you finally see the BS for what is was all along BULLSHIT. ITs like the sun shinning on shit and u missed it forever. Well now it stinks and I gotta move around. It feels good, I feel like I am finally becoming the women that I need to be to make my life what I have dreamed and I am finally making it happen.
Most important part of my Transformation. I took a 6 week vacation to Panama. Its amazing how seeing how another country lives completely opens you uo to what you could be or how much better you have it. My sister recently moved there and I went to see her and my Babies (my nieces). It was an amazing experience. Breath taking beaches and sunsets. Great food (some of the time) and I completely different vibe from the states. Its amazing to be in a less superficial space. Where beautiful is Just beautiful despite your size or race. Where people have no shame or rather no reserves about being themselves. IT also showed me how easily content people can be depending on their situation. Cashiers and fast food workers where suits to work. Can you imagine tis being a GREAT job in our country. Can you imagine being content in working in a grocery store b/c they dress it up and make it seem more GLAMOROUS. Don't get me wrong I know we have all started somewhere, but this is it for these people. You really think your poor until you see where the poor live int his country. The projects are paradise com paired to the run down high rise Panamanians stay in w/ no windows and clothes line draped between buildings. NY is crystal clean compared to the streets here lined with trash and smells unknown. It was an eye opener. How much do I take for granted? I have so many resources to do better but its the last thing on my list. It makes o since b/c here they don't have that choice. Police ride on motorcycles one in the from driving and one in the back with an AK rifle. Road blocks set up to check id and registration, but there are no tickets given just bribes and a "You can go" after the exchange. Yes, America indeed sucks sometimes. more than usual lately, but it could be a lot worst. It was just what I needed to start seeing things for what they really are. I beautiful place to clear my mind.
My Previous post was about unconditional lovers. I have been one for so long. I finally decided that it was unhealthy to love someone who only loves themselves. I had to let go of a friendship I have had for years. It's amazing how you can convince yourself that you are responsible for something you have nothing to do with. Can you really be responsible for an adult, no matter how much they act like a child? I decided I can't, Lord knows I tried for too long to be. It was finally time to let go. I thought it would be harder but I'm relived. I have surround myself with people I know actually give a shit and its not a show. People I can count on instead of it only being a one-way friendship. Its also weird now b/c I can't believe I remained friends so long without this person even changing a little. I had so much hope that there is always some good in people and now I think I was wrong. Some people don't. Some people are selfish and self centered. Some people are users. They take and take until you feel like there is nothing left and they still try to take more. You don't see this taking, you just see HOPE. A hope that one day things will change and your love will show them how it should be. I've learned that all the love in the world can't do shit for anyone if they don't love themselves and want to be a better person. Its OK tho, b/c now I am at peace with it.
I am they happiest, I've been in a long time and its not because everything is going well. Its because know that if I keep this path it will. If I'm patient all I want and desire will be mine. This vacation gave me my determination back. My mind set back. Action speak louder the words and I have been talking for too long. Watch Me WORK.
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ALRIGHY in less serious non life changing news (lol).
Ya girl has lost more weight so I'm thinking its time for a name change. I'm not feeling FAT anymore lol. I am definitely feeling SEXY tho. Stay tune for what I come up with
Did anyone watch the Search for the Next Pussy Cat Doll. Yeah I know it was crap. But the season finally was real crap. The shit is edited out the ass. It looks like something from out of the 80s. The worst shit I have seen all year. Not to mention seeing Lil Kim plastic beat up looking ass every week. I am convinced they put her on there b/c they wanted to take attention off the other chicks face who is also scary as hell.
Any who, That's all for now I gotta Get back to work. LOL ~Smooches~
I have a problem. Maybe its not a problem but it doesnt help make my life any easier. I am an UNCONDITIONAL LOVER. Sometimes I think it is a curse. I have the ability to see peoples true aura. Maybe I see what God really wants them to be. I block out or accept their HORRIBLE faults and see through to there good heart. I believe everyone has this ability with certain individuals, but no everyone can love this way. I mean when do u reach the point of no return when all that good shit u see inside doesnt mask the ugly person some people are determined to be? How long do u alow urself to be the idiot and swallow all the hurt feelings? I'm at a point were I can't do it anymore. It seems I have been seeing the good in certain ppl for a little to long and now I don't believe there is any. Now i believe I am delusional. All this hope I had for them to change or at least WANT to be a better person b/c that is what I show them is gone. I love so hard unfortunately sometimes harder than I love myself, which is my own fault. I can't allow my life to be so affected by someone I love that I cant recognize that I am no longer happy. This is no longer ok to love someone so much for so long and still feel like they don't give a shit. I thought maybe I should change myself, be more cold and unloving like them, but in all honest its not me. No matter how much I pretend not to care I do. I can no longer pretend it doesnt hurt or I dont cry when I do. Even though this will be the hardest thing I have ever done I dont see any other way. People never appreciate what they have until its gone. Unfortunately it will be too late to get it by then. When I thought about writin this post it started completely different. I started with me think of my grandmother. WE call her TiTi. She was no blood relation. Back in the day people that couldnt take care or want their kids would just give them to someone. Well that is what happen to my mom. She still knew her real family, but she grew up with TiTi. This is a women who never had any children of her own. She took in kid people couldnt or didnt want to take care of and raised them as her own. I never met a women quite like her. Her abitlity to love people that were nothing to her unconditionally was amazing. People would do some horrible shit to her and she would still have their back whe shit got funky. I never understood it as a child. It was passed to my mother and then to me i guess. I would look at them and think "Why dont u just leave them alone. They dont want to do right and probably never wiil." It is amazing what kind of hope UNCONDITIONAL LOVE gives u. Its like we believe our love can change anything, in time. Now that I am older I dont know if I believe it. The worst part is I don't know if I believe it and even if I did I dont think I would change. I love seeing the best in people most of the time. How long do U have to see the best in them b4 they finally see it and change to it as well?????
~Smooches~
